Handling Recurrences: A Family Member’s Perspective

Lawrence Kron, Ph.D.

Earlier we dealt with the problem of changing plans because of a recurrence of a chronic illness. We looked at the problem from the patient’s point of view. I’d now like to look at the situation from the family member’s or significant other’s point of view. For sake of convenience, I’ll refer to spouses. It’s up to you to translate the ideas to your specific relationship, parent, child, brother, sister, friend, etc.

It should go without saying that sudden changes do occur in all our lives. Loss of a job, a natural disaster, an automobile accident can dash our hopes in one way or another. We all wish life could be more predictable. That is often the source of our difficulty when illness recurs. We want so badly to have a “normal” life that we come to expect it when things have been going well for us.

The key to living with the disruptions caused by our spouse’s recurrence is planning in advance. For instance, if you plan a day at the beach with friends, you are very disappointed if it rains. But if you’ve planned in advance to go to the beach if the sun is out and to go to a movie if it’s cloudy or rains, your sense of disappointment is substantially diminished. The circumstance is the same, but its effect upon you is very different if you’ve planned ahead. The idea is not to put all of your eggs in one basket.

A flare-up of an illness or even a brief recurrence of symptoms in your spouse can be very frustrating, especially if you are in the process of leaving home to go to a party or an important activity. However, if you expect delays to occur on occasion, and you have on hand a book or magazine that you’d like to read, you feel differently. And you’d be amazed how much useful reading you can complete while you’re waiting for your spouse. The best part, however, is that you will be in a better mood and will be better able to enjoy whatever you do choose to do. Of course, there are times when your spouse will need your help. At those times, you can go ahead with what’s needed but still be thinking of ways to satisfy some of your needs in the future.

Because the interruption of plans usually comes without warning, it’s important that your plans have some flexibility built into them. For example, it’s hard to deal with an interruption to plans to go dancing. It’s somewhat easier to handle if your plans were to dance if you could, but you’d also be happy just listening to the music being played.

Sometimes your plans aren’t just delayed, but they have to be canceled altogether. Again, having options available eases the burden. Just because your spouse is having a problem doesn’t mean that you have to be a martyr. Think about it. If you were ill, would you always want your spouse to sit around and mope? Or would you prefer that he/she had some fun and came back and told you about it? You can help your spouse get as comfortable as possible at home and then go out and enjoy the alternative you planned for yourself. If you return home in a good mood, it will reduce any guilt your spouse might feel about “spoiling your plans.”

If your activity was couple oriented, your plans might have to be canceled. However, you can still make fall-back arrangements. If you can’t go out, perhaps there are other joint activities that you can plan to do together at home. You might want to make yourselves comfortable and watch a movie together, or play cards or a board game. The possibilities are endless. It can even be fun making a list of ideas, so long as you do it in advance. When the situation arises, just pull out the list. Planning ahead makes all the difference.