Managing Time from a Family Member’s Perspective

Lawrence Kron, Ph.D.

We have talked previously about the seemingly overwhelming demands upon their time that patients experience. Let us now try to look at the same problem from the standpoint of family members.

The need to prioritize tasks and to prepare in advance for changes in plans have been pointed out. It’s worth taking a moment to recall that setting priorities helps us to feel the greatest sense of accomplishment possible under the pressure of time. Suppose, for instance, we have spent time during the day looking around the new shopping center that just opened even though we have some work left to do at the office that will be needed the next day. We will be more than a little frustrated if we are suddenly called upon to help out at home because the patient is not feeling well. If we had done the work before taking time off to tour the mall, we would be better able to handle the unexpected situation. In effect, by planning ahead, we would have partly prepared for what happened. Preparing in advance for possible changes in plans helps to take some of the edge of annoyance away from what would otherwise be a very frustrating situation.

While the problems we face are not always quite so simple, there is a general principle that can help us if we keep it in mind: Don’t waste time trying to change something that is out of our control. For example, it does little good to give the patient unsolicited advice about how to feel better at the very time the patient is experiencing discomfort. We can’t do anything about how the patient feels at the moment. It is much more effective to concentrate on what we can do. We can decide how to spend the extra time available because we had to cancel our plans; for example, do something to lighten the patient’s burden, such as bringing medications, or fixing the evening meal, reading a book, or seeing that movie that the patient didn’t want to see anyway.

If we accept the idea that living with a chronic illness in the family will create unexpected demands on our time when we aren’t always expecting it, we can make some adjustments. One way is to make as many of the menial, or ordinary tasks we do at home as routine as possible. We can try to take out the garbage or do the dishes or pay our bills at the same time each day or week. Having to remember the little things becomes a burden when we’re under the added pressure of an exacerbation of the illness. When we make the little things a routine part of our lives, we don’t have to give them any extra thought. Then, we may be better able to handle the unexpected extra pressures as they arise.